I was never cool. I have been and have always been a dork. What I am talking about is that cool girlfriend that doesn’t need to be texted several times a day, who doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat, the one that doesn’t need a lot of attention and is just a riot to hang out with.
An easy person to be around.
I wouldn’t say that I lied to him about who I was because on the contrary I was clear about how my bipolar gets in my way. But I think a little part of me wished that I could turn into the cool girlfriend this time. Let go of all those needy feelings and just be easy going.
He brought that out in me. The happiness, the strength. The smiles and good times. For the first time in my life I really thought that I was going to be this perfect girlfriend.
We have been together for over a year and while we have been through trails, it wasn’t until this last weekend that I felt like he really saw the real me.
I had gotten sick and it threw me into a depression mode. I didn’t want to do anything that would make me feel better. Just laying on the couch with a blanket up to my face and binging Star Trek. While this sounds nice, it is not good for someone like me. Makes my depression worse.
Having him see me like this triggered fear of him leaving me because he cannot handle me anymore. I feared that he had had enough due to years and years of being told I am crazy by men that love to gaslight instead of figure out the real situation.
I apologized for making him think that I was a cool girlfriend when all I was is a “crazy girlfriend.” I cried and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t be cool.
I was caught. He now sees that I need too much. Too much attention. Too many texts. Too much reassurance.
He sees now that my lows were awful and my confidence was faked. That the heart of who I was was this sad, angry little girl that couldn’t think a good thought about herself.
Truth of the matter is, he knew this about me long before last weekend. He had chosen to accept these parts of me, the good and the bad. He was not seeing anything new.
But to me it felt like it was new. It felt like I had finally been caught. Revealed to be one of those crazy girlfriends that men complain about to their buddies.
My boyfriend was not having any of this and quickly told me how wonderful he thinks I am and that everything I was saying was lies.
Love isn’t about being perfect. Its not about being the cool girlfriend or the cool boyfriend. Its about being yourself because that makes you very cool. All these “cool girl” attributes are real, they are a part of me. When I am happy and not in a bipolar low, they thrive. But all the “crazy girlfriend’ attributes are there as well. Beaming their ugly heads when my depression and anxiety grabs me by the balls.
I am not just a girlfriend or a mother, I am a woman. A complex woman. A human being at my core. A puzzle even I am still figuring out. And I know that I will never compare myself to how society believes a girlfriend should act, because I cannot live up to that.
And neither should anyone else.
Thanks for reading,