I was never cool. I have been and have always been a dork. What I am talking about is that cool girlfriend that doesn’t need to be texted several times a day, who doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat, the one that doesn’t need a lot of attention and is just a riot to hang out with.
An easy person to be around.
I wouldn’t say that I lied to him about who I was because on the contrary I was clear about how my bipolar gets in my way. But I think a little part of me wished that I could turn into the cool girlfriend this time. Let go of all those needy feelings and just be easy going.
He brought that out in me. The happiness, the strength. The smiles and good times. For the first time in my life I really thought that I was going to be this perfect girlfriend.
We have been together for over a year and while we have been through trails, it wasn’t until this last weekend that I felt like he really saw the real me.
I had gotten sick and it threw me into a depression mode. I didn’t want to do anything that would make me feel better. Just laying on the couch with a blanket up to my face and binging Star Trek. While this sounds nice, it is not good for someone like me. Makes my depression worse.
Having him see me like this triggered fear of him leaving me because he cannot handle me anymore. I feared that he had had enough due to years and years of being told I am crazy by men that love to gaslight instead of figure out the real situation.
I apologized.
I apologized for making him think that I was a cool girlfriend when all I was is a “crazy girlfriend.” I cried and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t be cool.
I was caught. He now sees that I need too much. Too much attention. Too many texts. Too much reassurance.
He sees now that my lows were awful and my confidence was faked. That the heart of who I was was this sad, angry little girl that couldn’t think a good thought about herself.
Truth of the matter is, he knew this about me long before last weekend. He had chosen to accept these parts of me, the good and the bad. He was not seeing anything new.
But to me it felt like it was new. It felt like I had finally been caught. Revealed to be one of those crazy girlfriends that men complain about to their buddies.
My boyfriend was not having any of this and quickly told me how wonderful he thinks I am and that everything I was saying was lies.
Love isn’t about being perfect. Its not about being the cool girlfriend or the cool boyfriend. Its about being yourself because that makes you very cool. All these “cool girl” attributes are real, they are a part of me. When I am happy and not in a bipolar low, they thrive. But all the “crazy girlfriend’ attributes are there as well. Beaming their ugly heads when my depression and anxiety grabs me by the balls.
I am not just a girlfriend or a mother, I am a woman. A complex woman. A human being at my core. A puzzle even I am still figuring out. And I know that I will never compare myself to how society believes a girlfriend should act, because I cannot live up to that.
And neither should anyone else.
Thanks for reading,
Such a strong and inspirational post. Thanks for sharing, it takes guts! Looks like you have a great partner:) All the best.
#DreamTeam
Thank you for saying so. I debated on posting and figured SOMEONE’S gotta relate. And my partner is pretty damn good. I am insanely lucky. <3
Lovely and honest post. Its alway an eye opener when we discover that someone loves us flaws and all! #TriumphantTales
It’s an eye opener for sure. Learning to love yourself is the hardest part.
Such an honest account of your relationship. He sounds like a keeper. So pleased he loves you for you and all that comes with you. Thank you for linking up to #TriumphantTales.
Jaki recently posted…Quit Talking – Wednesday Wisdom 18
Thank you so much for reading Jaki. I let him read it prior to posting and he really said it was a revelation in my own self worth. Blogging can be so therapeutic lol.
Sounds like you have an amazing partner. My husband is like that – he knows about my anxiety struggles and utter lack of self confidence and usually finds ways of making me feel far better about myself. Granted, he doesn’t always succeed, but knowing that he’s trying makes a huge difference.
It must feel almost a relief to have shown him the “worst” (bad choice of words, but you know what I mean). And he’s proved not only that he can handle it, but that he’s ready to.
#marvmondays
It’s refreshing. All I have known was abusive men prior to him. I am astounded with just how wonderful he is every single day. Over a year together and he has never missed a single beat. I’m so in love lol <3
It sounds like you’ve got a keeper right there! there is nothing more amazing than being in a relationship with someone who loves you at your worst. Thank you for sharing such an honest post with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back again tomorrow!
I have it scheduled in my planner 😀
Oh I can really relate to this. We are now 7years into our relationship and he defiantly knows I mad. Luckily he likes star trek too! ?
I am for sure a geek but I had never sat down and watched Star Trek, I am not regretting that. I am watching The Original Series and LOVING ITTT
Oh this is such a beautiful post – you really are an inspiration. I think we can all relate to this a little – I remember the moment when my other half realised I have the potential to go crazy even though I keep it together most of the time! Thank you for sharing this personal post with #dreamteam Hope to see you next time xx
Bridie By The Sea recently posted…Dear Emma, Approaching Two
I have it scheduled in my planner. Thank you so much for your kind words <3
It’s always lovely when someone accepts us for the real ‘us’, flaws and all. It sounds like you’ve found that one! #MarvMondays
Liane recently posted…Henry – Five Months.